It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it

Recently, some punk-rock guy tried to pick up your author's girlfriend. Upon being shot down, dude lamented, “You probably date guys who like R.E.M.”

Punk guy was perceptive. Your author's love of R.E.M. is roughly concurrent with his love of Minor Threat and Iron Maiden. In retrospect, the three groups may have been the most formative acts of his pubescent age of musical discovery.

The band's early output stands as something of a code, an oeuvre still spoken of in remarkably hushed tones despite the group's massive success in the 1990s.

The band, which broke up last year, is firmly in middle age. (Bassist Mike Mills turned 54 yesterday.) If fans who grew up with them aren't quite there yet, they're most certainly on the verge of their peak earning years. And since the Mayans predicted that all being will cease very shortly, we thought we'd note that, as of right now, we feel fine. Or at least that the antibiotics seem to be working.

With that in mind, we thought we'd look back on 12 automobiles we drove this year, pairing them with 12 songs from Athens, GA's favorite sons, all culled from their pre-major-label era. Don't you know? The world ends when you sign to a major, bro. The world ends when you sign.

1. Chevrolet Spark EV: Moral Kiosk. The title just about sums it up. Chevrolet's upcoming EV slots into the landscape somewhere above the kei-car-derivative Mitsubishi i and the I-forgot-it's-electric Nissan Leaf. Not quite as sprightly a handler as the rear-drive Mitsu, the little upright Chevy nevertheless compensates with 400 lb-ft of sweet, sweet 'lectric torque.

2. Scion FR-S: Talk About the Passion. Toyota certainly talked up their new coupe's enthusiast creds this year. Hotly anticipated since word leaked of the company's collaboration with Subaru, the FR-S lives up to the hype on paper but falls a bit short in execution. The pieces are all there, but as a whole car, it doesn't add up in quite the way one would hope. In the sub-30k Japanese driver's car realm, Mazda's Miatahas yet to be dethroned.

3. Porsche Boxster: Superman. Yes, yes, it's a cover of a song by The Clique and Mike Mills sings lead, but if you're ever feeling paranoid/righteous about a girl (a dangerous emotional combo if there ever was one), a heated blat in Porsche's lower-rent model will leave you feeling like a more centered hero. Remember, Superman ran around in tights and undies. Being seen in a roadster is no affront to your masculinity.

4. Chevrolet Camaro ZL1: Little America. When Michael Stipe sang “The biggest wagon is the empty wagon is the noisiest,” he might've been talking about the only Camaro you really want, the supercharged ZL1. It's docile as a tiger on 'ludes until you thwack the loud pedal, after which you get very blurry very quickly. The comfort and straight-line monstrousness illustrate what our nation has historically done right with cars. Bonus? It's not at all shabby on a backroad.

5. Ford Mustang Boss 302: (Don't Go Back to) Rockville. Were it not for the C63 AMG Black Series, the two-year-only Boss 302 might go down as the greatest all-around ponycar in history. Sure, the GT500 is faster than anything fast, but the Boss is surely rapid enough. And you can actually use its considerable prowess on public roads. Whether it's Rockville, Maryland, California or Alabama you're tempted to get back to, a spin in the Ford's nuevo Trans-Am special might well convince you to head in precisely the opposite direction -- and not stop until you hit a coast.

6. BMW 335is Convertible: These Days. “We have many things in common, name three.” BMW named this 3 the 335is. The almost-an-M drop-top features a fast-kid demeanor that might confuse those hoping for the pricier car's high-winding V8. The turbo six, however, sounds relentlessly vicious when pushed. We could not help relentlessly pushing it. The price? Well, you could have an M3 sedan for 335is cabriolet money, and we prefer the M sedan's styling and usability. Take your pick.

7. Nissan GT-R: Feeling Gravitys Pull. "Time and distance are out of place here." And yes, the GT-R mystifies many with its apparently magical properties. If speed under practically any circumstance is your idea of fun, we could see finding Nissan's supercoupe enchanting. But somehow, it's just not enchanting. Respectable? Yes. Tirelessly competent? Yes. Somehow tiresome? Yes to that, too.

8. Jaguar XKR Convertible: Pretty Persuasion. Though it's as photogenic as anything, the aging XK's always been a bit awkward in person. The deck's a bit too long, the track seems a mite narrow. Aston's Vantage gets the British V8 sport coupe proportions exactly right, as does the new F-Type. Put your foot deep into the supercharged AJ V8, however, and succumb to the beautiful terrorist lurking beneath that lengthy, lengthy hood. The car sticks rather nicely, too. Shame about the seats.

9. Volkswagen Golf R: Gardening at Night. What else would you listen to during a late-night potting-soil run? Practical, fast and a bit too pricey. We'd take a GTI and put the saved money into a nice little greenhouse.

10. Chevrolet Corvette Z06 Centennial Edition: Auctioneer (Another Engine). With the seventh-generation Corvette set to debut at the Detroit auto show, Chevy dropped a couple of special 'Vettes this year, cars that were immediately purchased by dudes in denim letterman jackets with an eye toward future Barrett-Jackson cash-ins. The 427 Convertible took the Z06's motor and dropped it into the regular Corvette drophead's steel chassis. This, though, this Centennial version is a freakish beast. Z07 package. Pilot Sport Cup tires. Louis Chevrolet decal. Not just scary-fast, but scary under practically any condition. One must drive this car, lest the car drive one straight into the nearest pole. Cold R-compound tires are not your friends. Hot ones, however, get pretty magical.

11. Audi A6: Driver 8. Perhaps the finest long-distance conveyance your author sampled this year. While it's content to meander along at the tempo of R.E.M.'s chestnut of a train song, the supercharged A6 is also more than pleased to do its finest impression of Germany's Intercity-Express. Despite its considerable size, it's not too shabby over a tight mountain pass, either. Don't get ridiculous with the options and Audi's handsome midsizer could even be considered a solid value.

12. Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG Black Series: Radio Free Europe. Reasons to buy the C63 AMG Black Series: You were considering a 911 Carrera S but perhaps wanted a little more back seat. You were contemplating the GT500 but wanted something that engendered a little less involuntary clenching of unmentionable muscles. You thought the C63 AMG simply just wasn't boy-racer enough. The lamest rationale for buying the Black is future collectability. The best reason is to drive the living snot out of it. We put 3,000 miles on one over the course of a couple of weeks. You want to, too. Trust us. Just cue up R.E.M.'s first single and go.

Sure, the whole end-of-the-world thing's been rebutted by those unenlightened troglodytes at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but really, who are you going to believe? Scientists? Pfft. We're waiting for Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope to weigh in.

Read more: http://www.autoweek.com/article/20121218/carreviews/121219871#ixzz2FbwFXLVb